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journeying to a more natural way of living


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meanders
feet
sylvanmeanders
the walls have been caving in on me.
they contain my sanity, that which tempers the mad beast
and they're crumbling.  the force of emotion behind them is a tempest.
i've been losing myself in "elementary" with lucy lui and jonny lee miller.
i like his version of holmes and hers of watson.  maybe not quite what they're supposed to be, but i like them nonetheless.
especially jlm's holmes.  the darkness. the addiction. the aloneness.
also been reading erich fromm's "to have or to be".
can see the inspiration he gave to derrick jensen and daniel quinn.
realized i frame my own aloneness in a "having" mode.
i don't have anyone.  not adult.  not for me.
to talk with.  to.  to lean on.
i don't HAVE anyone.
possession.
not that that realization makes it any easier to deal with lol.
i still miss someone giving a shit.
being able to say, "hey, i'm not doing so good.  can we talk?"
or even better
them say, "hey..."
*sighs*
psychoanalyzing myself gets me nowhere.
i need treatment.
but what?
how?
and then there's The Boy
finally spoken aloud the fears i've left unspoken
"i don't think i'll live to see my children grow up, mum..."
his dad, dead before his kids were 3
*his* dad dead before his kids were 5.
my brother, The Boy's other namesake, dead before he even had kids.
that's a lot for a little boy to handle
and a lot for a mama to handle.
is this why i'm learning psychotherapy?
heal thyself...
then heal your kid.
or heal your kid and yourself in the process.
dunno.
the husky pup's yelling at me
have to finish these ponderings another day!
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*hugs*

I so know the feeling. My sister's newly millionaire boyfriend asked what they could get me as a "thank you" from him for the support through all her ex's crazy and thinking about it was slightly painful ... because I don't have financial needs, I have emotional, stability, companionship and sexual needs, none of which can be met with money.

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