(no subject)

someone said recently, "i thought the only people who got psych degrees are crazy people trying to figure out how to not be crazy..." which got me thinking.  addicts in recovery counsel addicts trying to be in recovery.  the formerly abused counsel the still-being abused.  why shouldn't crazy people counsel crazy people?  surely they're the only ones who truly understand.

am i getting my psych degree to help me with my own crazy?  to help my obviously psychologically damaged children survive life?  i sometimes wonder if it's so that i can have people actually want to listen to me.  being ignored and neglected is a definitely A Thing in my life!  i'm pretty confidant it's not so that i can help myself.  i'm pretty confidant that the areas i'm broken in are just that; broken.  beyond repair.  jerry-rigged to maintain use, but never optimal use.  beyond that.  but the kids - yeah, the fact that they are likely to have issues is not lost on me.  their father had issues.  their mother has issues.  and i am definitely NOT an easy woman to live with.  the mood swings can be quite spectacular.  as bi-polar mood swings tend to be.  if there really were an actual happy pill that could stabilize me, give me a spark again, energy without it being too much, i would totally take it (there isn't).  to realize a "joie de vivre" would be so awesome.  as it is, i take the quiet rush when the perfect spring-storm breeze hits me, a satisfied smile at some gardening done well, and the very hairy hugs of my husky-pup.  it all overlays that never-ending sadness, though.  a futility.  all that, out there, all those terrible things in the world, far too many to name.  i can do nothing about any of that.  and the rumblings of my soul, i can't do anything about that, either.  living realizing your utter helplessness is hard.  but i can't not live.  god, i love this place.  i cling to this life, beauty, laughter, the sun glinting off leaves, a fight with the rooster who's seen the purple bits on my pants, the crispness of fresh-from-the-garden asparagus on my tongue, that incredible infinite blue the sky gets....  i wouldn't give them up for anything.  this life is amazing.  and if i must live it nearly always sad, disappointed because there are parts of life i want to experience but can't, always apologizing for moods that take me away, always always always trying to do/be better, then so be it.  and i'm good at that.  living over the darkness. 

so if i'm a cliche; a crazy person trying to help other crazy people, then i'll take that, too.  because sometimes the darkness isn't going to go away, and all you can do is learn to live around it.  and really, the only people who can get that are people who experience it.
sadee at gerrys falls february 2014


the walls have been caving in on me.
they contain my sanity, that which tempers the mad beast
and they're crumbling.  the force of emotion behind them is a tempest.
i've been losing myself in "elementary" with lucy lui and jonny lee miller.
i like his version of holmes and hers of watson.  maybe not quite what they're supposed to be, but i like them nonetheless.
especially jlm's holmes.  the darkness. the addiction. the aloneness.
also been reading erich fromm's "to have or to be".
can see the inspiration he gave to derrick jensen and daniel quinn.
realized i frame my own aloneness in a "having" mode.
i don't have anyone.  not adult.  not for me.
to talk with.  to.  to lean on.
i don't HAVE anyone.
not that that realization makes it any easier to deal with lol.
i still miss someone giving a shit.
being able to say, "hey, i'm not doing so good.  can we talk?"
or even better
them say, "hey..."
psychoanalyzing myself gets me nowhere.
i need treatment.
but what?
and then there's The Boy
finally spoken aloud the fears i've left unspoken
"i don't think i'll live to see my children grow up, mum..."
his dad, dead before his kids were 3
*his* dad dead before his kids were 5.
my brother, The Boy's other namesake, dead before he even had kids.
that's a lot for a little boy to handle
and a lot for a mama to handle.
is this why i'm learning psychotherapy?
heal thyself...
then heal your kid.
or heal your kid and yourself in the process.
the husky pup's yelling at me
have to finish these ponderings another day!

new chickies, gardening, psych

got lots of reading to do for school.  but also got lots of work to do!
thus far, in the garden, i've put in a row of taters (mixed red and yukon gold) but i still have another row to do, i transplanted out some chinese cabbage and rainbow chards, i weeded and fed the over-wintered kale and chards and they're doing awesome, noted the asparagus is coming up and got to eat one today!, transplanted out some strawberries.  the peas are coming up but only one spinach has.  i have 4 more to put out, though, once they get big enough with some new kales.  The Boy and i foraged a ton of wild creasy greens and wild garlics so i sauteed them today with some kale.  mmmmm!

got some new chickies!  6.  3 reds and 3 ameraucana.  also put a couple of new plants in my cactus/succulent tub.

so all in all, been productive.  sold some more eggs and traded some for patchouli oil and patchouli soap handmade from a friend's goat milk.  oh, and made some of my own almond milk.  damn, it's good, even unsweetened!  i soaked the almonds overnight, then put them in the vitamix and voila!  fresh almond milk.  the left over almond meal is yummy, too.  might just freeze it for when i'm going to do some baking and then use it.  we'll see.  also took my kefir mother out of the fridge and am waking her up in fresh milk.  hoping i didn't leave her slumbering too long.  it looks like she's waking up, though, which'll mean fresh kefir, too.



eggs, love, psych

quickly painted a sign to go out front advertising our eggs for sale.  sold 2 dozen to a neighbor up the road who said, "i'm so glad you have eggs for sale!" which is weird, because i've had so many eggs for so long but just didn't have a sign.  another neighbor said the same thing, as though they've all been waiting for me to sell eggs.  they could have just stopped and asked lol.  so yay for signs!

got sooo much reading to do for class.  actually on to the nitty gritty of school now.  finished those first 2 years of classes that mean nothing to my degree, which means finished the easy classes that i didn't have to learn anything for lol.  but now, well, now i have to read and read and read, because now i have to learn.  i read a lot anyway, but in small increments and stuff i don't have to pass tests on.  to read to learn, to read to learn to pass tests, requires a whole different kind of reading, one that includes volumes of notes and an awake brain.  that kind of reading is tough with dogs, chickens, kids, baseball, gardening, planting, etc., etc.!  at least the subject matter is interesting!

saw a meme on FB about some judge who sentenced a rich dude to probation for raping his 3  year old because he "wouldn't fare well in prison".  isn't that the point of prison?  so that pedophiles don't "fare well".  i know what i'd like to do to a dude who raped a 3 year old.  were i already in prison, those visions would likely come to fruition.  those visions include lots and lots and lots of mop handles..... 

the weather has turned lovely!  picked up some baby kale, spinach, and chinese cabbage yesterday, got some rainbow chard already sprouted.  will put it all in the ground very soon!  the collards and kale that self-seeded in the fall and over-wintered under hoop houses are growing wonderfully.  ate fresh greens from the garden yesterday.  MMMM.  kale and eggs.  right from my garden.  can't beat that, eh!

god i love this dog.  she is where i get all my (non-sexual of course) intimacy from.  face hugs.  warmth.  joy in my presence.  i love her!


spring snow storm!

snow storm BLEW in last night.  wind howled all night.  woke up to a white world!
here are some pics:
my husky-pup, in motion - not the easiest pic to catch!
an almond blossom in the snow
and my house, nestled in the hollar, from just up the hill.

spring really is coming!

3 to 5 inches of snow being called for again tonight.

will spring kick in for real soon?  it's been so lovely and warm but these cold spells keep coming!  so much snow this winter for this area.

but daffodils are flowering! and the almond tree is beginning to blossom.  i pruned the hell out of the peach tree.  dug, fed, planted, and covered a whole row of potatoes.  the kale and collards from fall last year that over-wintered are growing and i can eat off them a little.

i planted some peas in the dog's yard but in tubs.

spring is here, even if winter is dragging its tail!


Dodging A Bullet (in February)

We almost bought a horse today (this was in February).

We did buy a horse today. But I unbought it. Cost me $250 to learn that I cannot take on a horse.

I laughed about it at the library the other day. Listing the mouths I already feed, the people (human and non) that I take care of; all of them reliant on me. And then added a horse and a mini horse to the mix.

And, oh god, I was ignoring all the warning signs. Signs that I should not be buying a horse. The near panic attacks. The amount of work I would have to do. I didn't balk at the cost of hay and feed because I could factor them in. And a horse would save me fighting my massive lawn! But the vet thing stopped me. I can stick my dog in the car and take it to the vet; I cannot do that with a horse. We live in BFE. A vet to come to the house is more than I can afford. And what if the horse dies, or needs killing? I had enough conniptions about having to kill a chicken, let alone shoot a horse. And then have to bury it?! No, I had to recognize my limits, humble myself into curbing my impulses, and be ever practical.

I had to be the grown up today and I stepped up to it!

There is so much guilt attached to it, though. I got my hopes up, the kids hopes up. I even rearranged our land and bought fencing and a grooming kit. But the horse we went to buy had a problem. A potential problem. I didn't have a vet look at her, I diagnosed her myself. And it was a problem that would require at least a thousand dollars-worth of surgery to fix. At least. And that was where the panic attacks and visions of dead horse needing burying came from. I wanted to buy her. Save her. Help her. I knew, as a good human being, that I *should* save her. But I didn't. I don't have that sort of money. To take on that sort of responsibility, when I know I can't afford it, is to be cruel to the other members of my family. A drowning man can't save a drowning man. And, if I stretch us any further financially, we will be drowning. So I walked away. Right before she was due to be delivered.

Sometimes the decisions we have to make suck. But - I feel like we dodged a bullet. I know I was right to change my mind.

sexism is rampant, but beautiful is not sexist.

landed up in a huge debate online. russell brand's awesome interview about his taking on the editing of an issue of some political mag was posted and a bunch of us were debating it. as is so typical in the activist world, instead of his awesome words being discussed, instead of us applauding that a famous dude is incredibly eloquently expressing anarchist ideology in the mainstream, we got sidetracked by some people calling him a sexist. my biggest issue was that he was being called a misogynist for being a recovery sex addict and he was being called a sexist for saying that he took the editing job because a "beautiful woman" asked him to. there were no other proofs given in the debate. just those two. my argument was a) being a sex addict does not automatically make one a misogynist and b) calling a woman beautiful is not sexism. the main girl i was debating said that brand judged the woman on her appearance, but we had no proof of that. all he said was "a beautiful woman" asked him to do the job. he didn't say, "damn, that bitch was so hot, i figured if i took the job, i'd get laid!" he didn't say, "her tits were so huge i couldn't think straight" or anything even remotely similar. and, in fact, his whole interview and his whole current spiel against our power-over system of governance, is based on egalitarian principles. why the fuck are we arguing over this? so what if he was a sex addict at one point? so what if he was a junky at one point? why does that even matter? and how the fuck is calling a woman beautiful considered sexist? some drunken redneck stumbles up to me and says, "hey there, beautiful", his actions might prove him to be a sexist, but his words don't. how can we even define what brand meant by "beautiful". the woman could have looked like the back end of a bus but be beautiful because of the awesome work she does? no one can define beauty for another person. ever. period. and it really pissed me off that the whole conversation was sidetracked from the man's current brilliance to "let's judge him for his past actions" and "let's define beauty for him", and "let's give the words beautiful woman a negative sexual context so that we can't use them anymore".


let's call everyone beautiful who does good stuff. russell brand, you are beautiful for the words you've spoken lately. sky, you are beautiful no matter what color you are. trees, OMG, you make me breathless every day with your beauty. i moved where i live because it's so beautiful here.

shit shit i'm a sexist!


the worst thing is never being held.
the being horny subsides, diminishes.
but waking from dreams in which i'm held
strong arms around me
a chest and shoulder to lean my face into
to a cold day
another cold day
years and years of cold days
even in the summer
that's the hardest part
the dreams leave me yearning
and yearning.
i feel like that part of my life is over
i'll never be held again
i'll never feel from the inside again
there is no one strong for me
i'm the strong one
i do the holding
and the yearning.

that's the worst thing.