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journeying to a more natural way of living

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someone said recently, "i thought the only people who got psych degrees are crazy people trying to figure out how to not be crazy..." which got me thinking.  addicts in recovery counsel addicts trying to be in recovery.  the formerly abused counsel the still-being abused.  why shouldn't crazy people counsel crazy people?  surely they're the only ones who truly understand.

am i getting my psych degree to help me with my own crazy?  to help my obviously psychologically damaged children survive life?  i sometimes wonder if it's so that i can have people actually want to listen to me.  being ignored and neglected is a definitely A Thing in my life!  i'm pretty confidant it's not so that i can help myself.  i'm pretty confidant that the areas i'm broken in are just that; broken.  beyond repair.  jerry-rigged to maintain use, but never optimal use.  beyond that.  but the kids - yeah, the fact that they are likely to have issues is not lost on me.  their father had issues.  their mother has issues.  and i am definitely NOT an easy woman to live with.  the mood swings can be quite spectacular.  as bi-polar mood swings tend to be.  if there really were an actual happy pill that could stabilize me, give me a spark again, energy without it being too much, i would totally take it (there isn't).  to realize a "joie de vivre" would be so awesome.  as it is, i take the quiet rush when the perfect spring-storm breeze hits me, a satisfied smile at some gardening done well, and the very hairy hugs of my husky-pup.  it all overlays that never-ending sadness, though.  a futility.  all that, out there, all those terrible things in the world, far too many to name.  i can do nothing about any of that.  and the rumblings of my soul, i can't do anything about that, either.  living realizing your utter helplessness is hard.  but i can't not live.  god, i love this place.  i cling to this life, beauty, laughter, the sun glinting off leaves, a fight with the rooster who's seen the purple bits on my pants, the crispness of fresh-from-the-garden asparagus on my tongue, that incredible infinite blue the sky gets....  i wouldn't give them up for anything.  this life is amazing.  and if i must live it nearly always sad, disappointed because there are parts of life i want to experience but can't, always apologizing for moods that take me away, always always always trying to do/be better, then so be it.  and i'm good at that.  living over the darkness. 

so if i'm a cliche; a crazy person trying to help other crazy people, then i'll take that, too.  because sometimes the darkness isn't going to go away, and all you can do is learn to live around it.  and really, the only people who can get that are people who experience it.
sadee at gerrys falls february 2014

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Most of the therapists I know come from some pretty messed up backgrounds. So yes, heal thyself.

By contrast the ones I've known were all very sane and well balanced. But '4' is hardly a representative sample size. :)

you've known them only in a professional capacity, though. if you met me under the same conditions, you'd think i was way different to the me that goes on inside my head.

I've had conversations with all of them at some point or another about how they handle the stresses of what they do. Which is how I found out about the therapy systems they all take part in as part of their jobs. Which seemed like a pretty good system. They've always got an appointment with another therapist every couple of weeks to discuss their patients and any issues that have come up that might have affected them personally.

Which seemed very sensible to me.

it is extremely sensible. i'm not sure about now, but psychotherapy used to be a mandatory part of schooling for people wanting to be in the psych field.

*nods* Yeah. The book I read about psychopaths was saying that this is the sort of field that is very attractive to psychopaths, because it gives them so much power over vulnerable people. (Though thankfully because it's quite difficult they tend to gravitate towards easier paths. Because psychopaths are by nature very lazy.) But it would be nice to think there would be mandatory psychotherapy to at least help people who are borderline on the spectrum to adjust themselves before they get their hands on patients.

I'm reminded of the concept of the shaman as a "wounded healer." In many cultures, the strongest sign of having a vocation to become a shaman is barely surviving a grave illness -- such people have gone, as it were, to the very edge of the otherworld, and yet returned, and thus know the route.

I think the reason is because a counsellor spends a lot of time delving into the dark and negative energies of their patients, stirring up things that could be extremely triggering, but they absolutely cannot let anything become about their own pain.

Which is why, in the NHS at least, the counsellors are often enrolled in counselling programs themselves, so that they always have the help and support they need to not take any of that negative energy home with them.

But I expect everybody is different. Certainly for me, my depression is very triggered by direct exposure to other peoples depression.

You haven't had any counselling or therapy in many years, have you? Describing yourself as being permanently broken, is it not possible that some therapy might help with that feeling?


not that i wouldn't go to a therapist were it feasible, but no, they wouldn't be able to help with the "permanently broken" bits. they come from broken trust and death. can't fix those things. what therapy would do is help me handle those facets of my life that i can't change but that bring me down. because therapy with an outside person isn't feasible, i have to counsel myself. ultimately the goal of things like cognitive behavioral therapy is to get the patient healing themselves anyway. recognize the triggers, self-manage the damaging behaviors.

as to overload by other people's shit; i'm ok one on one. i can take on projects (other people's shit) in that capacity. it's groups of people i can't handle. there's far too much and too scattered energies all polluting me. one on one, i can keep grounded, or ground after.

Out of curiosity, what would you say to a patient if they told you they were permanently broken?

i would want to know where, how, why, how it manifests, and where it interrupts optimal performance. then the decision of its permanence can be made, and ways to handle it/change it would be practiced. they could be right, but they could be wrong. either way, the goal is to be able to function to their best ability, regardless.

My daughter does counseling.
I do know a few sane people who are into it, but most are drawn because they are trying to figure out something about themselves or someone close to them.
I don't think it's that unusual and it is a good motivation. Plus, frankly, it can give one more empathy for another who has issues.

(hugs) I can relate to a lot of this. I think you'll be a great healer/therapist.

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