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journeying to a more natural way of living

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someone said recently, "i thought the only people who got psych degrees are crazy people trying to figure out how to not be crazy..." which got me thinking.  addicts in recovery counsel addicts trying to be in recovery.  the formerly abused counsel the still-being abused.  why shouldn't crazy people counsel crazy people?  surely they're the only ones who truly understand.

am i getting my psych degree to help me with my own crazy?  to help my obviously psychologically damaged children survive life?  i sometimes wonder if it's so that i can have people actually want to listen to me.  being ignored and neglected is a definitely A Thing in my life!  i'm pretty confidant it's not so that i can help myself.  i'm pretty confidant that the areas i'm broken in are just that; broken.  beyond repair.  jerry-rigged to maintain use, but never optimal use.  beyond that.  but the kids - yeah, the fact that they are likely to have issues is not lost on me.  their father had issues.  their mother has issues.  and i am definitely NOT an easy woman to live with.  the mood swings can be quite spectacular.  as bi-polar mood swings tend to be.  if there really were an actual happy pill that could stabilize me, give me a spark again, energy without it being too much, i would totally take it (there isn't).  to realize a "joie de vivre" would be so awesome.  as it is, i take the quiet rush when the perfect spring-storm breeze hits me, a satisfied smile at some gardening done well, and the very hairy hugs of my husky-pup.  it all overlays that never-ending sadness, though.  a futility.  all that, out there, all those terrible things in the world, far too many to name.  i can do nothing about any of that.  and the rumblings of my soul, i can't do anything about that, either.  living realizing your utter helplessness is hard.  but i can't not live.  god, i love this place.  i cling to this life, beauty, laughter, the sun glinting off leaves, a fight with the rooster who's seen the purple bits on my pants, the crispness of fresh-from-the-garden asparagus on my tongue, that incredible infinite blue the sky gets....  i wouldn't give them up for anything.  this life is amazing.  and if i must live it nearly always sad, disappointed because there are parts of life i want to experience but can't, always apologizing for moods that take me away, always always always trying to do/be better, then so be it.  and i'm good at that.  living over the darkness. 

so if i'm a cliche; a crazy person trying to help other crazy people, then i'll take that, too.  because sometimes the darkness isn't going to go away, and all you can do is learn to live around it.  and really, the only people who can get that are people who experience it.
sadee at gerrys falls february 2014

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i would want to know where, how, why, how it manifests, and where it interrupts optimal performance. then the decision of its permanence can be made, and ways to handle it/change it would be practiced. they could be right, but they could be wrong. either way, the goal is to be able to function to their best ability, regardless.

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